Hey Ab,

All I want to do write now is EAT... and eat things that are bad for me!  The urge right now is pretty terrible and I was about to go do something stupid and then tell you about it later, but I think that's really not the point.  Instead, I should tell you how badly I want to do something stupid right now and then not do it.  That would be the better plan.  Why?  Because I'm tried of being fat and I want to lose weight and I need to do something about it now, not later, because there's always a later until it's too late and I don't even want to go there.  I made this sweet potato soup that I thought was going to be totally delicious and it's really not.  I basically choked it down yesterday and yet for some reason I brought it with me for lunch again.  But I just can't eat it.  I really don't like it.  It seems so wasteful, but it's just not good!!  So I went to the vending machine intent on buying a big bag of twizzlers.  Fortunately, they did not have any twizzlers (still!!) so I bought instead some barbecue flavored baked lays.  Not exactly "clean eating" but certainly a lot better than I could have done, especially while the butterfinger was calling my name.  So I ate those and my oatmeal/banana cookies (2 bitty ones) for lunch.  I was about to raid Aimie's candy jar when I decided to email you instead.

So, I'm remembering how much I want to:

1. feel comfortable in my own skin
2. be healthy for my future family
3. get rid of my weight as a source of stress
4. feel comfortable in all my clothes
5. stop critizing myself
6. be less self-critical and raise my sel-esteem
7. look better and like what I see in the mirror
8. be more confident and feel in control
9. enjoy all aspects of my life more while feeling less self-conscious
10. look my best

Remeber, remember, remember, Winny, remember...  (Hocus Pocus style)  I also need to remember that if I am patient and work hard every day I will eventually get there and having a rough weekend or over-indulging on my anniversary is nothing to give up over.  Right?  Please tell me I'm right.  This is why I always suck, I give up so fast!  I'm trying though, I really am.  And last night while drinking I realized that I really need to arrange my environment better because I have no idea how many cupcakes I ate.  They were just so delish and I just kept eating them.  Cupcakes and cookies are bad desserts for me because they're too easy to eat. Things that are more difficult to eat and/or less portable are much better for me.  So I'm not doing another day today because I didn't honestly rearrange my environment like I was supposed to.  I also didn't eat only while sitting down and I certainly wasn't mindful about it.  So I'm trying to do those things again today and then I'll move on.  I sincerely hope this all works because as I may have mentioned once or twice, I'm so tired of feeling fat!!

Anyway... how are you?  Mom said you were kind of having a rough go of it at work and that you were feeling a little over-tired with Emma teething and everything.  She said she's coming up to visit on Wednesday and she's definitely excited about it.  I'm glad she can be there for you a little bit!  And I'm glad for her that she gets a little more Emma time!  And by glad for her, I mean totally jealous, of course.  Such a cutie patootie!  Dad says not to worry-- two teeth down, only 30 or so to go!  He was making me laugh.  It was funny because they called on Facetime yesterday and I showed them the flowers they sent me for our anniversary and the one's Seth get me.  I said they smelled nice and dad said, "I know... we have the new smell-o-vision on our iPad"  and then later on Vinny (the cat) walked by and I showed him to mom and dad and mom immediately sneezed, it was so funny-- the timing couldn't have been anymore perfect!!  We did have a pretty nice anniversary.  It was really sweet of Seth to get me flowers and he did so nice getting yellow ones like for the wedding, which was so thoughtful.  So did mom and dad :)  We ate at home because the restaurant we really wanted to go to is closed on Mondays and then went to Redbox and got a movie and had popcorn and drinks (and cupcakes)... it was nice.  I can't believe it's already been a year, it was a good one!

Well, I'd better get back to work.  Ingrid just walked by and my cravings intensified... she's back from vacation today.  Think that may have something to do with it?!  Sigh.  It is CRAZY TENSE around here, I wish the whole thing would just go away!

I love you, Shabs!

Love,
Rachel