Hey Rach!

So yes, you saw I now have a light box. I just used it for 30 minutes. I like it. I set it up in front of my computer screen so I can do some stuff while in front of it. The 30 minutes when by quick. The meeting went well with my psychiatrist. She read my update from Septemeber out loud. The good news: I was 138 lbs then and I am 131 lbs now. The bad news: I was a lot happier then. So we chatted. In the back of my mind I knew I really should be making a change with my meds. But I don't know why I was/am having such a hard time accepting it. She agreed that the light box therapy would help me. And then she called me out about why I don't want to increase zoloft to 75 mg. I like her. She said, I'm already on it so I might as well be receiving the correct dose for my "condition." She said it'd be like going to the dentist to get a cavity filled but only having them fill it partially, which I thought was a good analogy. She asked what I was worried about and I guess it was the side effects. I was worried that it would make me too mellow and tired.... And then I realized.... Maybe I was attributing the side effects of depression to the side effects of the zoloft. She said that people do that sometimes. So I agreed to try 75 mg (and the light box). She also made a comment that the dose of the medicine doesn't always dictate the severity of my condition so I shouldn't be worried that I'm super crazy as opposed to just kind of crazy - not in those exact words ;) I am excited. I am hopeful. I really need this to work. I also want to start... correction, I also NEED to start working out again. I have GOT to make this a PRIORITY! I am hopeful that these treatments will restore my motivation. My motivation is severely lacking right now. Of course it doesn't help that I've been sick, but I'm trying to not put any of the blame on that because people get sick, it happens - happy people get sick, it happens. Now I will describe why I am hopeful, becase I need to move away from the state of mind I am about to describe. I am lacking motivation at work. I haven't accomplished much recently nor have the desire to work. I used to like it remember? A few months ago? My house is messy, terribly in need of a deep clean and organization and I have been home almost all week and haven't done much of anything. I watched TV. But yes, I was sick. But I won't blame that because I was not sick enough to not do anything else. I have a tremendous amount of guilt sending Emma to daycare and not being productive at work or in my home. It's terrible and I need to get away from that. I think that's what depression is. I've always just thought I had anxiety, but I am sad to admit I believe I suffer from depression too :( I just envy all the normal people and the normal moms who seem to handle their lives better than me.

Also, work. This is actually a topic that in independent of my psychological status. Hence why I started a new paragraph. I feel kind of morally torn in my work. I hate working for a chemical company. I understand that there are so many good things that the company does and they don't purposefully do bad things. But bad things happen, that's just the nature of the beast. By bad things I mean, impurity and byproducts from chemical reactions, policies that exist but aren't followed, emmissions happen they just do no matter how tightly you control it, contamination occurs, etc. I just don't feel good working for a business that in my opinion poisons our food supply. In another's opinion, a business that increases the crop yield and decreases famine. How can you argue that right? Ugh, it's just SO tough. Stu and I talk about it and he makes good points, like a company like this greatly benefits from the good people like us that do care that the plants run smoothly, chemistry happens as it should, and policies and guidelines are followed. I totally agree and that is why I like my role I'm in so much better than my last. But still. Sometimes I just wish I could work for a company that does pure good for the human race - does that exist? Also, I am nervous living in Midland, I'm not going to lie. I worry about drinking tap water. I shouldn't but I do.

And you. I miss you so much. Yesterday while driving home from picking up Emma from daycare I thought, wouldn't it be cool if instead of driving home right now I was driving to my sister's house for the dinner that we have together a couple times a month. I wish for that so badly. Oh gosh, here come the water works. Oy, I'm a mess. Also I started taking birth control on Monday and now my hormones are whacked again! I can't wait for this stuff to level out.

Ok, was there anything else? Hmmm, probably but I think I've written enough. So I hope you enjoy my rant and I love you so so so so much!!!!!

Oh yeah I remember what else - I am going to run a 5k with Mallory and some of her coworkers in May. It's the color run in Depot Town. So that is a good goal for myself.