Hey Ab,

I've so been needing to blog to you, I've just been so crazy busy and haven't made the time.  But I really need to blog to you today and I'm basically going to be just as busy whether I take a few minutes out of my day to write to you or not, so I'm doing it now!

It has been a crazy morning.  I have been so frustrated and Ingrid is making it so much worse.  She really is a terrible boss.  Some of her habits and extreme behaviors have improved, but she's still completely incompetent and unaware and I don't think that those are things that can improve, regardless of how many EAP sessions we have.  That I am just stuck with, and that's unfortunate.  At least I have really faithful clients now though, and they specifically want to work with me, and all of them are people that I really like working with, so that's good-- Dr. Onitilo, Dr. Iniguez (who might actually become my real live friend!), Dr. Meilahn, Dr. Pathak, etc... I'm happy to have those relationships and I try to think of them as the people I really work for, rather than Ingrid.

Anyway, I'm really upset right now for two reasons: 1) binge eating and 2) mom.  Let's start with the binge eating.  I can't stop.  Honestly, I just cannot seem to stop with the eating.  And I'm not even eating things that taste particularly good.  I just keep eating for the sake of eating.  And I don't know why.  It's upsetting and I've gained so much weight.  At least I'm working out.  I worked out every morning last week on the elliptical for 30 minutes, except Wednesday when I had my hour long cardio class after work.  I also had pilates on Tuesday afternoon, so the working out was good.  I wanted to go running outside over the weekend, but ended up painting instead.  Definitely not concerned that I didn't get a workout doing that.  All the up and down the ladder and arms over my head and squatting down and everything-- I'm sore just about everywhere.  So I suppose that even without my eating even kind of under control, at least I'm feeling good about working out at the moment.  I just wish so much I could calm my eating self down.  Do you ever feel like your eating self is a whole different person?  Gosh, I must sound so crazy right now, I know.... but sometimes I feel like it's a beast that is just completely untrained and out of my control.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It's like food isn't even serving the right purpose for me.  Stupid, stupid food!

So the second thing is, as I mentioned, mom... and I am a lot madder now than I was yesterday when I was talking to her and I think it just keeps getting worse.  I'd been feeling so good about my relationship with mom and then she called yesterday and we were just chatting and then she tells me that she really hopes that when Chris and Melissa come to visit I can have a talk with her about the way Emily is eating because from what she sees on Facebook, Emily is not eating well and she's getting really chubby. WTF?!  I told mom that it really wasn't my place to say something like that and it's none of my business-- Melissa tries really hard to do the best she can and I was not going to criticize her.  What I should have said was, seriously, what the fuck, mom?!  Emily is SIX effing years old.  SIX!  Who the eff cares if she's got chubby cheeks or eats a damn hot dog.  She is SIX.  Or should I suggest to Melissa that she take Emily to weight watchers like mom took me?!  I mean I was 9, but why wait (or why weight... ha ha) so long when you could get her started hating her body even earlier?!  What the hell!!  I'm just so pissed off about mom's attitude toward Emily's body because I AM Emily-- 25 years later.  And it absolutely breaks my heart to know that that's how mom feels about this brilliant, imaginative, and fun little girl.  And it breaks my heart to know that someday I am going to have to watch Emily become self-conscious.  I can't stand that thought.  I want to preserve all of her confidence and her happiness and make sure that she doesn't become crushed by her own warped sense of self that comes from the outside in.  It's not right.  I love Emily for her brilliant little mind, her crazy imagination, her take charge sense of self, her obliviousness to the physical, her joy for life, and even for her round little belly that she doesn't even think to suck in and her chubby, smiling little cheeks that frame those big brown eyes-- she's perfect just the way she is and I don't ever want her, or her mother, to think otherwise.  That is not ok.  Should Emily's weight become a medical issue, and only if it becomes a medical issue, her pediatrician can say something to Emily's parents and they can deal with it by setting a good example at mealtime and by becoming more active as a family, but it's not my place or mom's place or effing Facebook's place.  It's just not.  There is nothing... nothing... wrong with that little girl until we make it wrong with her, tell her there's something wrong with her.  It's so sickening to me, Ab.  And I'm honestly heartbroken for myself right now... because I can say all these things about how perfect that little girl is and how much I love her, I can tell you how I essentially am that little girl, but I cannot rationally or emotionally make the connection in my own mind and my own feelings between me now and that little girl that I was.  I can't use it to say to myself that I am ok just the way I am because I know that my own mom, despite loving me, wishes I wasn't a chubby little smart girl.  And I hate that sometimes I feel myself thinking the same thing-- judging Chris and Melissa, judging little Emily by proxy, and always its as an extension of both judging myself for the way I was then and exonerating myself for being somehow "better" than that now.  But I'm not.  I struggle so much with food and with body image, just like they do... and it's so ingrained in me.  I'm honestly hurting over this.  I know that wasn't even close to mom's intent, but there it is.  All those feelings.  I'm upset.  I'm upset with mom for her attitude about weight and the importance she places on it, even in such a tiny little girl.  I'm upset with myself for feeling so strongly the temptation to agree with her and fat-bash.  I'm upset with myself for judging other people based on their weight or other physical parameters.  I'm upset with myself for delighting in other people's misfortune (weight gain, etc) like it somehow makes me better than them.  Because it doesn't, but I can't help but feel that way sometimes.  I'm upset that I even equate weight gain with misfortune!  What does that say about me?  I think I need to work on myself, on my state of mind.  Because I don't like where it's at when I hear the things I think coming out of my mom's mouth.

Yes, I was a fat kid with fluffy hair, big glasses, and stretchy pants.  I had no sense of style, I had few friends.  I had even less of that thing that could have done wonders for me: confidence.  Even fat kids with fluffy hair, glasses, and stretchy pants deserve to love themselves and to be confident in this world.  They still have something to offer.  They are smart or creative or empathetic, artistic, loving, something... every single person has so much to offer.  But we don't like them because they don't look they way our society says they are supposed to look.  We don't like them even if they look just like us because society says neither of us should look this way.  And because of that we overlook their other gifts too.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  I can't do that.  It just isn't right and it's part of a pattern of self-hate that I've had for too long.  I don't even know what to do about it, but I know that I cannot know what I know about how mom feels about Emily's appearance and not take that to heart.  It's too late, it's already gone straight to my heart.  I feel on the verge of tears every time I even think about it.  You know that I love you unconditionally, right?  No matter what you look like or what you think of yourself or what anyone else thinks of you-- you are, to me, absolutely, 100%, pure perfection and I love every single detail of you!  Please know that... I know you feel the same way about me, and that feels good.  I hope my daughter knows someday that I feel the same way about her, because I absolutely will.  That's how I feel about Emily and Melissa-- not I love you, but would be so happy if... no if!  I just love them, they are perfect people.  Perfect, good-hearted, beautiful people, like my sister and her little girl :)

Love you, Shabsky <3

R