Hey Shabs,

Thanks for sending me a much needed reminder of my initial goals and level of motivation.  I was super pissed at myself at first and kind of melted down on Wednesday night and just laid around on the couch and ate junk all night long.  I swear, I barely even feel like the same person who wrote that post, even though it was actually only a few months ago.  I just don't know what's going on, but I find myself not feeling so great. Perhaps it is a little bit seasonal... since turning back the clocks it's dark when I leave work and it just feels like I'm home so late even though I'm really not.  The stuff with Ingrid is still going on at work and that's frustrating and my work load has been pretty intense.  I'm just so unmotivated to do anything around the house and I feel like I'm having trouble pulling myself up out of this hole.  I don't know.  Maybe I should try going back to therapy or something, but I just don't feel like it really helps all that much.  They say, "Think good thoughts about yourself."  And I try, I really do, but it never sticks and I'm tired of trying.  I had a rough eating day yesterday, for sure, but I buckled down last night and prepared good for me food for dinner and for my meals today, so today has been pretty good.  When I prep the night before, the next day tends to go much better.  I've just been way too lazy and preoccupied with other stuff to do anything the night before.  I'm glad it's the weekend.  At least I've been doing a little bit of walking since we've got the pup, but even that's in the dark because I don't get home in time to do it when it's light out, which is a bummer.  She's still so sweet, though, definitely a bright spot...

... a bright, pants-loving spot :)  She is crazy for PANTS!

So in addition to prepping some good food last night, I also deep cleaned the kitchen and swept and mopped the floor.  Hopefully I can keep this level of motivation through the weekend and actually get some stuff done.  I just wish every day didn't feel like such a struggle from the time I get out of bed.  It's tough right now and I hate that I'm having such a hard time without a good reason.  I didn't just break up with anyone and I don't have a baby and here I am complaining to you and Tom-- poor me, life is rough.  I am sorry that I can't seem to snap out of this funk.  This Vonck, if you will.  I kind of feel like being on antidepressents almost set me off this time because I was really, really disappointed about it affecting our ability to try having kids... and then I felt guilty for being on them... and then things just kept feeling worse and worse.  Maybe I'm just looking for something to blame, but what's the point of messing around with these stupid, stupid drugs if I'm still not even feeling well?  I feel like a mess, Ab :(

Sorry for the emotional dump on you.  I really am ok, just you're the only person I talk to about this stuff, so I just kind of spill it on your something.  Sorry about that-- I do really appreciate you listening though!

I love you, Fisky!

Rachel