An embarrassing confession...

Hi Ab,

Back at work again today?  I hope you had a nice weekend downstate... Emma was too cute in the pictures I saw online.  What a sweet little girl you have!

So, I've been really impressed with all of the spiritual discoveries you've made and it amazes me how much like dad you are.  I'm so proud of you.  So here's the embarrassing confession to which my post title refers: I'm afraid that if you're so much like dad, maybe I'm that much like mom and her life is my fate.  I know it's completely irrational, but I'm struggling so much right now and I'm in a panic about being just like mom forever and ever.  I see mom's body in my (as my?) body as I gain weight and I feel like I'm doing it on purpose or something.  I don't even really know how to describe the feeling...

I had good days last week both Monday and Tuesday, I was feeling so proud of myself and then I crashed... and burned... and kept burning all weekend.  It was awful.  I ate like an absolute maniac and felt like crap because of it.  Even my big clothes are getting tight, I'm gaining weight really fast.  And I'm tired and I'm down and I just feel really bad.  This weekend was such a low point.  I was so angry on Sunday, and all of my anger was totally directed, probably unfairly, at Seth.  (Yeah, he overheard like half of what I said to you, that sucked...)  I was so mad about stupid stuff.  I clean the house, I make dinner, I grocery shop and meal plan, it's what I do... it's only as bad as it is because I let it get that way.  I don't know why I can't just suck it up and do it, instead I throw a fit over it and get pissed at everyone else.  I doubled my dose of zoloft and it's almost like I feel worse... I haven't been sleeping very well, maybe I'm just sleep-deprived and my system needs to get used to the new dose before I'll start feeling better.  Because I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to feel worse.  But I do right now.  I feel angry all over and I'm bothered by it.  It's really hard to get help around here too.  Celeste hasn't been able to get me any appointments yet.  So I'm just sort of stuck, trying to fix myself, which is obviously going to fail because it has every other time.  I can read all the books in the world, but I don't feel like it's going to do me any good because regardless of how much information I know, I can't seem to actually put anything into practice.

I'm so sorry for being such a debbie-downer, Ab.  I've been hesitant to even write to you, but I think I need to just get some of it out... thanks for listening :)